In my new journey as an adult orphan, I have never felt bad about feeling happy. I enjoyed Christmas with my family two days after Mom died. I enjoyed a birthday lunch with my sisters and fun with my cousins in the days after Dad died. I never once felt guilty or bad about enjoying myself. I was able to do this because I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that is what my parents would want.
My parents had a knack for moving on. No matter what had happened in the past, what tragedies had befallen them, they felt very strongly that one should not dwell on the past. I can remember breaking up with a boy in high school and my mom, after a week of my moping, said “It is just a boy, get over it.” That is how we were brought up. Life knocks you down, get up, dust yourself off and move on.
So it is no surprise that I feel bad about feeling bad. When I get sad, frustrated or depressed, I hear my parents telling me “Get over it”.
On Sunday, going through another box of their kitchen ware, it was like they were being erased. Their house is empty and their possessions are scattered as we decide what to keep, donate or throw away. I felt very empty and sad. Then someone asked a question that implied my brother, sisters and I should be healed from our loss by now. So then I felt empty, sad and guilty. Guilty that I was sad that I missed my parents. Ugh.
Should we be over this by now?
Delana,
No, it is okay to have these feelings. Actually they are a part of the grieving process. There is no one way or right way to grieve. I spent over 10 years working with famiies as they went through this process. You have to remember, back in our day, we were not allowed to grieve.You just went on with your lives. Time has changed.It is okay to cry, feel sad and have bad days. I want you to make what is called a grieving board, put pictures of your Mom and Dad, cards from friends, memories from the past. Put it somewhere you can see it everyday. Stop look at it and remember what that board means to you. Also I would like you to keep a journal and write some of your memories in it and also something of gratitude in it. Try to do it when you are alone.Let Mom and Dad know in your journal if something special happened that day. Please do not let anyone tell you there is a time limit on grief, there is none. Each person is different. It would seem like after working with so many famiies overe the years, I would be over Uncle Charlie, you can’t forget so many years in just a few weeks. I miss him more than on the day he died which will be two years on May 30. I still have times when I think of my Dad who died November 6, 1954. They will allows be in your life. You are on your journey and remember it is you and no one else that has the same journey as you. Yes, Tammy, Candy and JR are on a journey too, but we are each on our own. Please don’t feel bad, Mom and Dad were always proud of you and they still are. It is not easy being the youngest.
Love and Prayers,
Aunt Mary
Not sure if we ever get over losing people we love — it just gets a little less painful with time – lots of time. Hugs
_____