About a week after my dad died, I finally stopped crying everyday. I went back to work and life returned to a new normal without him. One thing that never got back to normal was my crying. Now, I have always been a crier. If I am happy, sad, mad or even bored, I am easily brought to tears and I am not one of these people who look cute crying. I usually end up looking like a hot mess that should be sitting somewhere very quiet with padded walls. My mom was the same way and often said just once she wanted to have the impulse to hit someone instead of cry. For most of my adult life, I have hated this personality trait and wished I could change it but since my dad died the crying seems to be so out of control. I mean when a Lego ad in a magazine makes you cry, it is time make a change.
Five weeks ago, things did not go as planned and I found myself a sobbing mess out in public. It was a complete and total embarrassment. I decided that if I was ever going to get this crying thing under control, now was the time. So for the last five weeks, I have tortured myself watching every video on Facebook that anyone has commented on with “Have the Kleenex ready!” and for five weeks I have been able to control my tears. Now I will admit to a few dignified tears here and there but no crying jags, no breaking down. Until I watched some video about a Canadian airlines that gave out Christmas wishes to all its passengers. (Side note: To the guy who asked for underwear and socks, dream bigger, dude!) . Nevertheless, even this small lapse in the anti-crying campaign can’t deter me. I am determined to keep my emotions in check.
Not crying has opened me up to emotions that I rarely feel outside of dealing with insurance companies. I am not sure what emotion this is but I have a compulsion to smack the crap out of people (mom would be so proud!). I used to just cry when something upset me. Now I have a whole range of emotions that I feel. It is nice to know that I can feel negative emotions without ending up a crying mess.
Don’t get me wrong. There are times to cry. Today, I cried when reading about a Newtown family. The victims of that tragedy are deserving of my tears. There will be days around Christmas and my birthday, that I will never feel embarrassed to cry. December and January will always be marked by days that were the “last day”. For example, yesterday was the five year anniversary of the last time my children ever saw my mom. The last Friday afternoon visit, which was our tradition when the kids were small. Every Friday, I would bring lunch to my parents and we would hang out at their house with the kids. Sometimes I would sneak away for an hour or two knowing they were in capable, loving hands. Today, I wonder how much of those visits my kids remember.
This has been a rough year and honestly, I am just checking the days off the calendar until 2013 is over. I have had enough of Murphy’s Law in my life and I am ready to put this year “in the record books”. 2013 will go down as a year we endured and persevered but it will not be one for the highlight reels. So as December marches on, I will keep trying not to cry. I know that the tears will come but to able to have some control, well, that would be nice.