Today is the first Father’s Day that I won’t be able to celebrate with my dad. It will be five months on the 28th but in some ways it seems so much longer since I talked to him. Today, I am trying really hard to stop dwelling on his last few months and remember him when he wasn’t sick. I am trying hard to honor his spirit and his life.
Lately, I have been so preoccupied with other problems in life that my grief has taken a backseat to a lot of other concerns. Yesterday, I walked past the duck tape at Home Depot and all of a sudden it came back to me, that horrible pit in your stomach that takes away your breath. It had not happened in so long that I was unprepared. I was lucky to have the cart to hold onto and quickly put on my sunglasses so no one could see the tears fill my eyes. Duck tape will always remind me of my Dad. He thought it was some kind of wonder product and we always had tons of it. I think he may have stolen it from work! Once when I was in college he accidentally stapled his hand with his electric staple gun and pulled the staple out with a pair of pliers, wrapped his hand in duck tape and just kept on working. A staple in his hand couldn’t stop him.
Dad never gave up. Not even after Mom died. His body gave out way before his will ever did. Dad was the one who told us we could be or do anything. His gruff exterior, piercing stare and southern accent covered the most optimistic person I have ever met. Even in the darkest times, he knew the future could be bright. He never thought my mom would not beat cancer. He thought anything was possible if you worked hard. He was never one to dwell on the past. The future was a place where dreams came true and the sadness and disappointment of the past were faint memories.
Although I wish desperately I could talk to Dad because he would have understood how I feel right now better than anyone, in a way these new concerns that have taken over my life feel like I am honoring him. Life has moved on and I am plowing through a new difficulty with the same optimism and forward thinking that got Dad through his entire life. I am moving forward to recreate my life and overcome these new obstacles because the greatest dad in the world taught me that anything is possible.
